Sometimes I just need to remember to breathe, adore, and laugh at life.

Lately I just feel like I have lost all control over my mind, I sit alone trying so hard to focus and all I can do is worry. I ask myself why I waste all this time worrying about what people think, how I look, my body shape, if I will ever get my brain to stop WORRYING and just live in the moment and not have a care in the world. I want to be able to just relax and enjoy the moment, take in the smells of homemade cooking, savor each bite, and enjoy food daily. Why is the thought of working out always on my mind these past few days.. I have been craving a good run not to benifit me, but for me to lose weight. All around me as the weather gets nicer there are people all over running running running .. I want to be them not to feel good about myself, as twisted as this sounds I miss running because I miss that weak feeling, the feeling of being hungry as I typed that I know how ridiculous that sounds.. I just figure that if I go back to my old obsessive ways I could maybe have this voice in the back of my head go away or atleast give me positive reinforcment rather then getting me down.
Treatment last summer in the end was a comfort for me, when I was there I had constant support, I didnt have to think or worry about food because after some time I learned to trust them, and that they were there to help me in the end.Now I feel as if I have nothing except myself to keep me afloat and that scares me. I feel like people excpect me to stay this happy and healthy girl, and I want to but its hard. People dont understand that this is a constant battle I deal with, I wake up in the morning and from there on the war has begun. I thankfully have FANTASTIC friends that try there hardest to help me but I dont want to put this pressure on them. I then resort to bottling it up inside and for the life of me I dont let it escape I dwell on it for hours, days, weeks until finally when my door is shut and the lights are off I cry, I cry until there is no feeling left then I know that tomorrow is a new day and it can only get better then right now.
Yesterday was a tough day for me ED was shouting at me telling me how I was no good, and looking in the mirror why yes, do it, so I can then critisize you, I felt helpless, lost, and ugly. As I was sitting in Mugby slowly letting my tears fall down my cheekbones onto the coffee stained table I just let all my thoughts take over I no longer could fight them away I gave up.
Daisy.
If it wasn't for the simple and yet the ever so thoughtful gift of flowers that day I dont know if I would have kept fighting off ED. The idea that someone cared that much about me, and took time out of their day to buy me Emily flowers still brings tears (happy tears) to my eyes. I then knew that if I am not going to fight for me I might as well stay strong for the people who care about me.

To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.
Albert Camus